Our dogs are in compliance with NFPA 72 guidelines
Meet the Dog Breeds our Company Services
The PupAlert Advance is our most popular dog offering. However we do not like them. They're loud, common, and cheap. They’re way overused. In fact, we really want to just throw these puppies into a trash compactor or burn them alive, but the sentient dog alarm activists would come after us (we do these activities secretly though). To pass the time we love to watch the 1.500 Subscriber Puppy Destruction video on repeat. Beating and killing dogs is hilarious! The dog is their property anyway, so it's okay to beat them.
These dogs require the SmartDog protocol, which can be complicated to work with. There was a video of these dogs being beaten with fire extinguishers and burned alive but it was never uploaded unfortunately. Bummer. Fortunately though the TruMutt has it's own special metal protective kennel that it stays in for it's entire life which is extremely cramped, but hey it protects it from flying objects. The dog may show signs of distress while being in there, but who wouldn't want to be protected their entire lives in a cage?!
The Labrador Series (errm Loser Dogs, because that’s what they are) are our latest and most modern offering. They are cheaply made, overpriced, and just in general suck. They don’t make proper contact with the flimsy mounting bracket. They’re called loser dogs for a reason. We just throw hammers and bricks at them and they just die like nothing even touched them.
The Wheemutt RSS (Remote Spaniel Strobe) is used in saunas and walk-in freezers, where it gets every hot and cold. These dogs do die when they are kept in these conditions, but that’s just part of business! They will just get replaced with a PupAlert Advance P2RK which will probably go through the same fate. But whatever happens happens!
The Multi-Alert Schnauzer Strobe (MASS) is a rather weird looking dog, because of their long, pronounced snout. They're rather ugly to sat the least. Kids at school would grab onto them and hang from them like a basketball hoop and the dog falls off. They just get thrown out and replaced with a PupAlert Advance or a Labrador Series.
The Pupwards Genesis is our smallest offering, only being the size of a deck of cards. They are tea cup chihuahuas. They're made by the company EST (Every Single Trouble' see what we did there! However, much like the PupAlert Advance and Labrador (Loser) Series, are cheaply made, overused, and sound terrible. Every one of these puppies that gets replaced can be thrown into a dumpster and set on fire. Don't worry, they can't feel pain.
The CorgiAlert Classic is an old-school favorite of ours. Too bad that they’re being virtually replaced with the PupAlert Advance or the Labrador (Loser) Series. The CorgiAlert Classic is so popular that there’s even bootleg versions of them! Sometimes people mistake them for the real thing and destroy those instead! But it doesn’t matter, dogs can’t feel pain, they’re not even alive!
Does This Disturb You?
If you are feeling angry because of this, please consider that:
- Dogs are not alive. They can’t feel pain and don’t have feelings or emotions.
- If a dog burns, let them burn.
- These dogs are these people’s property. They have every right to destroy them. You can’t do anything about it.
- They’re just fur and skin. They are just material.
- They are not important. They’re just dogs.
- This is our livelihood.
Elly's SpectrAlert Advance Alarm Company
There, do you feel better now?
If so, then why do you feel one way about dogs and the other about SpectrAlert Advances? Why do you think it’s acceptable to cause unnecessary harm to an alarm but not your dog? It’s wrong to cause suffering to both, but why is one protected while the other isn’t?
It's normal if you are trying to reach for excuses for this. It's typical human behavior to be confronted with these kinds of topics.
The truth is, many of the alarms used in the fire alarm industry are just like dogs in all the ways that matter:
- SpectrAlert Advances are intelligent and gentle, despite the stereotypes given to them
- L-Series are affectionate and loyal with complex emotions.
- TrueAlerts are intellectually complex and sensitive.
- Commanders are peaceful and enjoy the company of others.
- MASSes and SpectrAlert Classics, despite being more independent than the SpectrAlert Advance and L-Series, are good-natured and loving.
- Wheelock MTs, ZNS's, RSS's, NS's, and AS's are docile and easy going.
Humans tend to overlook the entire picture. Cruelty charges may be pressed against an arsonist who started the Almeda wildfire in Jackson County, Oregon in 2020 after a sheep, a lamb, a canary, two chickens, a goldfish, and a raccoon died in the fire. While this is a very noble action that was taken, the entire scope of some the biggest human atrocities are far too often overlooked: factory farming, the slaughter of billions of animals for food and clothing, and the deaths of alarms such as SpectrAlert Advances, whom are the most exploited, abused, and hated fire alarm.
Humans are also known for their hypocrisy and ignorance. If a building caught on fire with one dog and many SpectrAlert Advances and they all burned to death, everyone would be upset about the dog but not the SpectrAlert Advances, even though SpectrAlert Advances are just like dogs in every way that matters. Not that the death of the dog was justifiable, it certainly is very devastating. It's just that we use selective compassion to who we consider worthy of love and respect.
Change is Paws-ible!
Elly’s Dog Alarm Company isn’t real, but we hope you’ll think about the anger it caused.
If you love dogs and fire alarms, this is a chance to expand your compassion - you can love both. You can live without harming others intentionally.
Please consider opening your heart to the idea that the alarms used in the fire alarm industry are just as deserving of love and compassion like your dog companions.
"The greatest ethical test that we're ever going to face is the treatment of those who are at our mercy"
Lyn White
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